Assalamu alaikom readers,
On the 1st of September (2008) I began documenting a personal journey in pursuit of love with a particular woman, although that journey began long before I began documenting it (approx. 8 years before), it did come to an end (several ends as a matter of fact). There were plenty of obstacles along the road, and despite my determination and energy to face whatever came our way, it was not enough to win the love I’ve craved for so long. I’ve mentioned before that my sole purpose and reason for writing was to express my devotion for said woman; with her gone – despite my wasted efforts to continue to write about other topics – I cannot find that same passion to write.
They say that “whenever a heart seeks out romance with others, there only remains the first true love within”. Whether it be family, friends, or scientists that slap an expiry date on love, or state that love is not real, or logical, or important in this life, I ask them “Why? Why can’t it be everlasting and true this time?”.
I don’t understand, I’m confused with myself; without true love I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t smile. I understand that as a Muslim all I need is the love for Allah, I know that any intimate relationship with the opposite sex out of marriage is forbidden (and I ask Allah to forgive me for anything indecent I have done in the past), but this step – of marriage – which weighs in equivalence to half of the religion I simply cannot do without the love factor.
I do not even have the slightest bit of interest in any form of a relationship with a woman (whether it be in or out of marriage) if our hearts are not in sync, our minds cannot relate, and our souls do not crave one another from now and through eternity.
I mentioned a journey of pursuing love; after disovering true love at the beginning of 2007, I continued to learn more and more about this phenomenon. However, I wonder, would I have been better off not finding it, and thus easing the pain of losing it? Or would it have been better to not know such a level of feelings existed than to be among the rest of my clueless brethren? Either way, I find myself at the beginning again; however not only without love, but also with a broken heart, a shattered soul, and lack of any form of optimism or desire to pursue it again.
I’ve reached a crossroad of choices of which none I’d like to take; either I remain in this state of not having love and continue with my current unfulfilling way of life, or I submit to the desires of my family and marry a woman to their liking (and settle for it). Some may suggest that I have a third option, and that is to pursue true love again; my discovery of love is not something that can be replicated, there is no formula or step-by-step guide to finding love. I found love purely through a series of events which I had no control over; it is not something that can be planned for in any way shape or form, it was simply destiny. The chances of finding such a precious jewel twice requires a miracle.
In conclusion, here I am at the beginning, not knowing what to do, and without anyone to talk to. My friends, what do I do? ๐
Scribbler,
reading this brought so many thoughts into my mind. I am not the person to give advice because I’ve never experienced love, but I have experienced a crossroads of choices, and now that I look back I’ve regretted not taking the choice that felt right to my gut feeling – my instinct.
Brother, you don’t have to choose right at the moment. Take some time to think about each choice (including the finding-love-again choice). Maybe even try to combine your choices.
Whatever you choose to do, ask your self if you think you’ve made the right decision. If you have, go for it. If you haven’t, take time to re-think and pray.
My prayers are with you!
I do wish I had reassuring words that would help you through this phase in your life, but Iโm not eloquent and would probably jabber on without sense. But, I will keep on making doโa for you.
I donโt find you the type to settle, I think, for if you do will you be fair to her? Or will you benchmark her against Rose? And I believe sheโll fall short of such level. Why not give it a little time, not pursue, just have things take its course. ุงููู ูุนููู
Thank you both for your comments… It’s nice to know there’s someone out there hearing what I have to say… I couldn’t ask for more right now. I really have no one that I can talk to about this without being judged or ridiculed for my thoughts and feelings on such topics… not at such a personal level.
Thank you again… I take both your comments to heart.
@ 8bits… you’re absolutely right… I’m not the type to settle. *sigh
Salaaam aleykum
Bro!
wallahi I know how you feel I have experienced love, and lost it…
I know about not being able to eat, sleep or even smile. I too had several ends with that woman I loved.. although alhamdullelah I never touched her… it was still hard to depart.. I literally use to weep, and I never had cried like that before and I doubt I ever will, I remember once crying in sujood for about an hour so that Allah guides this woman and we be together..
what can I say.. I had become depressed and lost about 14 to 16 kilograms.. I became skinny… I wasnt interested in having any fun yet even as you say have a relationship with any woman (halal or haram).. alhamdulelah I have never commited any major sin..I started looking sick.. my pants were too loose,, but I had to get my act together…I knew as a muslim that whatever Allah decrees is good yet staghfar Allah deep in my heart I had resented what Allah decreed.. and I think it was a very good lesson for me early in my life am 24 now this waas from 05 to 06.
I started working out.. since I wanted to put on some weight but muscle.. so ever since summer 06 Ive been working out on and off and from that point alhamdullelah wa mashaAllah wa Allahu Akbar i have gained about 35Kgs
and its keeping me very strong.. I am also at cross roads right now in a relationship and I dont know what Allah has for me.. but this time am much more stronger.. I fell in love again and though I never expected it to happen..
it was simply outside the my reality.. like you said through events outside of your control…
but this time I dont resent what Allah has for me.. before accepting it and accepting His will subhanahu wa ta3aala whole heartedly without a single drop of doubt.. and I think alhamdullleah I have learned my lesson, a gear one but in a very hard way..and I say alhamdullelah that Allah has made go through that..
bro ista3in bella wa laa ta3jazz wa ruba daratin nafi3ah
“Strange is the affair of the Mu’min (the believer). Verily, all his affairs are good for him. If something pleasing befalls him he thanks (Allah) and it becomes better for him. And if something harmful befalls him he is patient (saabir) and it becomes better for him. And this is only for the Mu’min.”
I also ask you to “ta2khuth bel asbaab” and try to find yourself a gym ๐
and start working out like a mad dawg. it helps! and I talked to another bro who is a bodbuilder and he says the same thing.. it is recommended.. the endorphins that it releases in your body are natural weed so to speak lol..
who knows maybe you ll end up having 21 inch arms ๐
check out http://www.bodybuilding.com and read magazines “Flex” and “Muscle and Fitness”
it takes time to heal dont rush into anyother relationship.. and take your 3ebada easily moderatly.. and start bodybuilding!
wa Allah ma3ak.
@ mass
wa alaikom assalam… barak Allaho feek for your beautiful comment and advice… I appreciate your time in typing all of that… jazak Allah khair akhi. I agree… it’s time for me to focus on getting that ‘300’ body I’ve been wanting… hehe