To not feel fear, to not be afraid of anything or anyone, how must that feel? Some of you may recall the audio recording of myself which I uploaded a few months ago, and how I stated that due to¬†fearlessness¬†I am no longer afraid of hiding my identity should anyone recognize my voice. Do not think that the reason I removed that audio recording was due to fear of any particular person, it was purely due to conflict of interest and personal reasons which led me to feel that it was not appropriate at the time. Read more…

In His Name

In the name of Allah, and may the peace and blessings be upon His beloved Prophet Muhammad, I say these words.

Truly in the body there is a morsel of flesh which, if it be whole, all the body is whole and which, if it be diseased, all of it is diseased. Truly it is the heart! - Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)

Truly in the body there is a morsel of flesh which, if it be whole, all the body is whole and which, if it be diseased, all of it is diseased. Truly it is the heart!

Late last night, I sat alone, pondering on my past, my present, and my unknown future. My past – my history – will always be the largest and most personal resource of experiences, thoughts, and emotions for self-realization. As I look back I see with complete clarity my evolution through the different phases of my life; every person, trial, and experience has touched me in one way or another and helped form the man I am today. Although I am proud of who I am, I could be Read more…

Why not now?

422364_lonelyI mentioned in my previous post that I will try to practice ‘clearing my mind’ in order to focus on any particular matter that needs to be addressed; amazed am I at how soon thereafter I benefited. One of the many threads of thought troubling me was that of one lingering between my heart and mind; the thought of a woman I am / was in love with. After clearing my mind and reseting my senses I was able to blow away some of the clouds affecting my vision, and focus. Read more…

Too Many Mind

Last night I was chatting online with one of my readers about having a mind block when I flipped open my laptop to scribble, and although she tried to help me with some ideas on topics to write about, I simply was not feeling IT. All night – although blank when it came to writing – my mind was racing with thoughts, worries, and stressful emotions; overwhelming surges in the mind can shut a person down completely. Is the mind something we can control, I mean truly control? They say we only utilize at most 10% of our brain’s potential. Within the 10% of power all I require is that I’m able to control levels of stress and emotional suffering. To an extent, I believe we can do a lot more than simply control those levels; practice is needed and that’s all. All my life have I suffered from emotional sensitivity; something I admit is a weakness within my character.

last_samurai Read more…

Sleepless Nights

702361_sleep_2The last few weeks have been restless, sleepless, and lonely for me. What is it that causes a man to endlessly toss and turn at night, and not be able to doze off into a sleepy wonderland? Long has it been since I’ve been able to embrace a pillow and close my eyes with a frownless face. Long has it been since my body felt a strong heart beat. Tonight I want to sleep and dream; dream of better days to come (God willing).

I have never felt like wanting to be a little boy held close to the chest of a loving woman. To feel safe, secure, and loved is a peaceful state I wish to experience tonight, if only for a moment.

Oh night, will you let me sleep tonight?

Jihad against Love

Lover's Gaze

Lover's Gaze

How ironic it is that the one thing I’ve dreamt about since my early teens is the one thing I fight my self against now. Through-out history, generals have lost battles, learning from them, and subsequently winning the war. This one battle I have faced – and clearly lost – has inflicted wounds that simply won’t heal, and although I realize that wounds do heal, they definitely will be a reminder engraved in my memory so long as I breathe. However, until these wounds heal I will continue to fight my self-being, desires, and even needs. This slowly-ending battle is a Jihad (struggle) unlike any I have ever faced in my life.

But just like any Jihad, it must be performed with righteous intentions & purpose in our hearts to attain a sweet reward. Allah knows of my intentions, and the purposes are many; I respect and honor her and her family’s wishes, I know that although this is a battle that requires sacrifice on my part, the reward (God Willing) shall be great whether attained in this life or the next, and finally the purpose of hope, hope to love and be loved in a manner pleasing to Allah. Read more…



Dear Readers,

You all have partaken with me upon this journey of ups and (many) downs a piece of the experienced emotional chaos. The last few days have been difficult and painful in ways I could not have imagined, nor do I wish such an experience upon anyone, but what does not kill us only makes us stronger. I honestly reached bottom’s end; I lost sight of my goals, dreams, and aspirations in life due to emotional hurt. Yesterday I reached the pit of this suffering, but only to climb back up hours later (with all praises due to Allah). I received a letter yesterday – from someone who extremely hurt me unknowingly and innocently I’m sure – sending me to this bottomless pit of darkness within my heart, yet it planted that seed of much needed strength and realization of who I am.

Read more…

Google’s Ironic Search Result

3279369635_81d57afd3d_oI was looking today through some stats relating to; curious to see HOW people find me. Anyhow, one particular reader landed on my page by searching for “How to cure a broken heart?” on Google. haha… truly is ironic given that I myself am trying to figure out the answer to that question.

Speaking of which, I think I figured out the answer to that question yesterday; there is no cure, at most we can patch up our heart with whatever distractions there are in life, deal with it, force yourself to move on, and hope for the better. Read more…

Obstacles of Love

784060_padlock_and_chainWhat can Love overcome, and what can it not? Are there truly obstacles to TRUE love? I decided to see what the oracle ‘GOOGLE’ had to say on the matter :), and so I typed “Obstacles of love” and hit enter; google as always retrieved hundreds of records if felt were relevant to my query. One result in particular caught my attention; “What obstacles can love overcome” was the title, a question rather that a person decided to ask on Yahoo! Answers.

For the most part people seemed to reach a consensus that in the case of TRUE love, there is no obstacle love cannot overcome. One answer in particular caught my attention: Read more…

The Beginning

689513_the_graveyardAssalamu alaikom readers,

On the 1st of September (2008) I began documenting a personal journey in pursuit of love with a particular woman, although that journey began long before I began documenting it (approx. 8 years before), it did come to an end (several ends as a matter of fact). There were plenty of obstacles along the road, and despite my determination and energy to face whatever came our way, it was not enough to win the love I’ve craved for so long. I’ve mentioned before that my sole purpose and reason for writing was to express my devotion for said woman; with her gone – despite my wasted efforts to continue to write about other topics – I cannot find that same passion to write. Read more…