689513_the_graveyardAssalamu alaikom readers,

On the 1st of September (2008) I began documenting a personal journey in pursuit of love with a particular woman, although that journey began long before I began documenting it (approx. 8 years before), it did come to an end (several ends as a matter of fact). There were plenty of obstacles along the road, and despite my determination and energy to face whatever came our way, it was not enough to win the love I’ve craved for so long. I’ve mentioned before that my sole purpose and reason for writing was to express my devotion for said woman; with her gone – despite my wasted efforts to continue to write about other topics – I cannot find that same passion to write.

They say that “whenever a heart seeks out romance with others, there only remains the first true love within”. Whether it be family, friends, or scientists that slap an expiry date on love, or state that love is not real, or logical, or important in this life, I ask them “Why? Why can’t it be everlasting and true this time?”.

I don’t understand, I’m confused with myself; without true love I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t smile. I understand that as a Muslim all I need is the love for Allah, I know that any intimate relationship with the opposite sex out of marriage is forbidden (and I ask Allah to forgive me for anything indecent I have done in the past), but this step – of marriage – which weighs in equivalence to half of the religion I simply cannot do without the love factor.

I do not even have the slightest bit of interest in any form of a relationship with a woman (whether it be in or out of marriage) if our hearts are not in sync, our minds cannot relate, and our souls do not crave one another from now and through eternity.

I mentioned a journey of pursuing love; after disovering true love at the beginning of 2007, I continued to learn more and more about this phenomenon. However, I wonder, would I have been better off not finding it, and thus easing the pain of losing it? Or would it have been better to not know such a level of feelings existed than to be among the rest of my clueless brethren? Either way, I find myself at the beginning again; however not only without love, but also with a broken heart, a shattered soul, and lack of any form of optimism or desire to pursue it again.

I’ve reached a crossroad of choices of which none I’d like to take; either I remain in this state of not having love and continue with my current unfulfilling way of life, or I submit to the desires of my family and marry a woman to their liking (and settle for it). Some may suggest that I have a third option, and that is to pursue true love again; my discovery of love is not something that can be replicated, there is no formula or step-by-step guide to finding love. I found love purely through a series of events which I had no control over; it is not something that can be planned for in any way shape or form, it was simply destiny. The chances of finding such a precious jewel twice requires a miracle.

In conclusion, here I am at the beginning, not knowing what to do, and without anyone to talk to. My friends, what do I do? ๐Ÿ™

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